well, the following excerpt is totally valid, another way that a mentor shares is more around reinforcement of the Choice doctrine as well as Acceptance. As in, they never wrong me and thus need forgiveness, rather - they do what they do, I respond/react and choose. It's really about accepting what is the the choices others make.
"To put it simply, when you recognize the other person never did
anything to you at all for which they need to be forgiven, you will be on your way; and
when you actually arrive at the point of sincerely and enthusiastically expressing your
appreciation to them for what they did – for the role they played so well in your hologram
– you will have arrived."
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Day 6: ThanksGiving – Sabbatical and a lil Forgiveness
ThanksGiving - Day 6 – Sabbatical and a lil Forgiveness
1. I received a letter from the Octogenarian today. She was happy with the Canadian contingent.
2. I wrote for 9 hours yesterday, so today, not so much; have much other work to do.
3. Will take a hiatus from new writings until shortly after the long weekend.
4. Years ago, I sent this lil Prayer to my immediate family ( not one response). I first saw this with the cultural anthropologist muse Angeles Arrien . It goes like this…..
FORGIVENESS PRAYER
If I have harmed anyone in
any way
Either knowingly or
unknowingly
Through my own confusions
I ask for forgiveness.
If anyone has harmed me in
any way
Either knowingly or
unknowingly
through their own confusions
I forgive them.
And if there is a situation I am
not yet ready to forgive
I forgive myself for that.
For all the ways that I harm
myself,
Negate, doubt, belittle myself,
Judge or be unkind to myself,
Through my own confusions
I forgive myself
1. I received a letter from the Octogenarian today. She was happy with the Canadian contingent.
2. I wrote for 9 hours yesterday, so today, not so much; have much other work to do.
3. Will take a hiatus from new writings until shortly after the long weekend.
4. Years ago, I sent this lil Prayer to my immediate family ( not one response). I first saw this with the cultural anthropologist muse Angeles Arrien . It goes like this…..
FORGIVENESS PRAYER
If I have harmed anyone in
any way
Either knowingly or
unknowingly
Through my own confusions
I ask for forgiveness.
If anyone has harmed me in
any way
Either knowingly or
unknowingly
through their own confusions
I forgive them.
And if there is a situation I am
not yet ready to forgive
I forgive myself for that.
For all the ways that I harm
myself,
Negate, doubt, belittle myself,
Judge or be unkind to myself,
Through my own confusions
I forgive myself
Day 5: A (long) Kind letter to a New Sister-in-Law
5.Letter to a brand new sister –in-law.
Hey happy September! Happy Thanksgiving! And Wow, you must be super excited about your wedding day this Saturday. First one I think for you. Me, have not walked down that aisle. Perhaps some day.
This Monday, I am hosting a bird at my place and I promise you KM, we will raise a glass in your honour. – Thanksgiving Monday.
This letter is a gift – of good will, of communication, of honesty and love. It is Good. Please accept it as such.
Welcome to the family KM. Again, may you have a successful marriage to my brother. May the rest of your lives be filled with increasing love, harmony and respect.
I left you a nervous message on your phone yesterday. As you gathered the writings I sent you yesterday, I am doing some writing, and this letter in particular is directed for you.
As you know, I can’t make it to the wedding this weekend, so I thought I would pen this diatribe in my absence.
I love my family. All the characters in my family, now yours, are filled with passion, conviction, smarts and various quirks.
No one is that more true for than my Mom. I’m not sure you had the opportunity to know her before she passed on, into what she would have hoped was heaven. I have it from good sources that she is in a very good place
Mother Mary was a spirited woman, to be sure. Gregarious, boisterous, playful and more. She had a wonderful voice – and sang with gusto. She also liked to be special, like all of us I suppose. In my youth, I would often find myself in a prolonged contraction while various hymns were being sung in church. It seemed my dear mother, thru a malfunctioning internal metronome, or spiritual ambition, or something, was often a half a measure a head of the rest of the congregation . This seemed especially true at the beginning of the song, perhaps dreams of being the director. That was Mamma. A similar drive fuels a bit of my desire to write you this kind note, to be noticed – to participate.
Fond of teaching, or perhaps instructing might be more accurate, she had a stable of phrases and commands that aided the effort. The range and use was varied and sometimes very helpful, to the bizzare and not so helpful. Take care of your teeth; tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are. Or BA, is bugger all to help prepare the palette.
I loved how much my mom liked to giggle. She loved to play. And food OMG. This is one area she definitely engaged fully. I have fond memories of Chocolate Malts downstairs at the Bay, in Saskatoon. And witnessed many times her externalized internal debates on whether or not to have that chocolate bar. The answer was nearly always yes. Mars bars, I would have to say were here favourite.
She liked to laugh, and stir it up too. Seems to have rubbed off on brother joe. And, she, like so many of us - my family in particular, was not so good in regards to this letting go thing. Perhaps it is the intensity that was so intoxicating…so compelling. Whatever position she had on something, seldom was it anything but absolute. She, intoning far above her pay scale, the doctrine of infallibility that pope relies on , a bit too often a casual observer might think.
Speaking of the pope, I toured the incredible museums under the guardianship of the Catholic Church, in his new home town Rome. I loved the story the guide told of one pope who lived long ago.
Apparently that was when blood lines played more of a role than money, and power. Anyways, he was like 29 or something, and fornicating somebody’s wife (weren’t the 10 commandments a big seller by then?) Anyways, the husband was you know, not so thrilled. And as you know men, they can get REAL territorial around what they perceive as their property, or claim, or responsibility. In this case, I think the bloke who’s wife was shagging the pope, said, I’m gonna kill that fucker, and did. Apparently he grabbed him and threw him out the window. Sadly for that particular pope, the mattress ( presumably) of his indiscretion was not on the ground level, or as we like to call them here in town - not on the garden level. Anyways, they needed a new pope.
But, back to mom – and as one last parting comment, I will say the church did influence my mother and our family, and many others, in significant ways.
OK, we were talking about the plethora of mother marries expressions, which are a fast track way of learning about someone, as repetition reinforces. One particular pain filled affirmation was telling. On more than one occasion, to try to manage her hurt, through masking and blunting, she continued to ride and fuel that toxic rocket of resentment, to an unwise degree - she wouldn’t let go. She drank that elixir of destructive blame, over and over again, with countless shitty thoughts all creating deeper and more complex pathways strengthen the loop. This process and result can be encapsulated brilliantly with her words, …..I’ll never forgive him….NEVER.
Oh Momma.
It’s reminiscent of brian joe and I repeating one of child hood get-backs, like secret handshakes at an age when we couldn’t quite talk back loudly, but could make faces and hissing noises behind backs. One of our mantras in response to confusing behaviours was – were NEVER getting marrieeeeeeed.
Yet, my mom continued to grow and learn and was engaged in bridge building right until the end of her life.
For that I am grateful and have tremendous respect for. Her last decade in particular, saw her make steady progress to contain, to make friends with and manager her dark side. She more and more minimized the negative effects of her shortcomings on others. She became more sensitive, and more vulnerable. And she was a relentless advocate for my well being and advancement. I totally miss her support and her true undying love.
She wrote dozens if not a hundred little cards of caring in those years. She was my most consistent ally. –She loved me, and all her sons, tremendously. Despite bombastic episodes, disowned pain, confusing boundaries et al, she is a deeply loving and wonderful woman. I am sure she is Peaceful.
Now Dad, you do know more of. What a great guy eh… When I think of the wild ride he has been on. When he was like 3, the Reichstag was burning, an ominous sign of what was to come. Talk about the makings of PTSD …the whole world at that time. Dad is a smart man – very resourceful and can, as you know, fix anything. I am often thankful the abilities I inherited. As my mom would say, a chip off the ol block.
And, no doubt you are the beneficiary of Dad’s love. Especially because like all of us in the family, we were desperate for more yin, more femininity to balance the onslaught of yangy testosterone in the family.
One of my most cherished memories of our Father, is when I was visiting Saskatoon a few years ago, and we drove out to an acreage inhabited by Dad’s stepdaughter. It was a day true to the slogan on his licence plate: Land of the Living Skies. As we pulled onto the property, a few hundred meters away from us stood two your girls, perhaps 9 and 12 - his granddaughters. As they recognized the van, they bolted across the prairie towards the focus of their love – my Father. It was amazing. Time slowed down as I watched these beautiful girls sprinting – their faces beaming, their eyes wild with excitement, roaring open hearted slamming right into my father. They smothered each as they expressed the net reality of their relationship - juicy, yummy, love. of their relationship.
It was so beautiful. I was so happy - happy to witness love like that. And with my Dad……..awesome.
Then there is my brother, your other new brother in law. He is a very interesting globalised character, would you not agree? Smart, savvy, funny and more….all in one package. I should send you this picture of him from about 40 years ago. He has his trademark during photo ops – a penny in his eye socket. A good clown he is.
I love my brother Brian very much. My brother the fiancé too, that matter. Brother Brian has done very well for himself. In effect, he could retire at 40, and in some ways did. Now, working on his own gig – doing every job under the sun, as an investor, a multiple property landlord, plumber, drywall, and as he incessently told me yesterday, a (complaint driven) dedicated mover and cleaner.
I love my brother, and he, like me, can be difficult. I interviewed him the other day, along with Dad and Lou, and was a bit saddened to hear him say that he didn’t think he had any real relationship with his niece and nephews. I found that sad. Perhaps that will grow. Me, l thinks the continuity, diversity and homogeneity of family to be important. Blood is thicker than water my mom would say. I say they do have some relationship, it is just likely not highly impactful as perhaps someone might like. At all events those 4 will be at your wedding so it is a great opportunity for them to spend some time. Brian, like me, likes to party, so he will shine at your gig. Next week, at the latest, I will send some pics.
Anyways, it’s often fun to hang with Brian, ‘cause he can be such a card. I hope you enjoy him this weekend.
And me, well, you got some sense of me when we accidently attended the same course at Haven Institute a few years back. We seemed to enjoy each other, wouldn’t you say? And it was ok at the ol mans 80th eh? Speaking of which, I ask dad every so often, ever think about dying? My couselller says that kind of opening is called making a bid, in certain circles. Anyways, he always answers rather quickly WHAT FOR. While he answers in such a way it is not really a question. But if I was to answer , I would surmise it like this: so you die well fine father, to die well. Few things don’t benefit from some planning. Anyways, I would be cusious of your thoughts on this question, since you are in health care.
And Me? Gosh, to accurately describe oneself. What context. What’s important now. How honest do I want to be. What’s’ my agenda? So many things to consider. . . .
On the plus side: I see myself overall as a good hearted man, who is interested, and is finding his way on his meandering roads of career, relationships, spirituality and citizenship.
On the negative side, I can be quite intense, sometimes uncover and sit on people’s last nerve. A shadow worker some say, whatever that is. And, like everyone in my immediate family, boundary issues require on-going attentiveness for the best results. How would you describe me?
So KM, as I indicated earlier, I can’t make your wedding, and I think one of the main reasons is because I was not invited. I think most people would have some curiosity about that, as do I.
As you know, there is some kind of issue between your fiancé, my brother, and me. And, while it’s perhaps not so fun to look at, shining a little light on things seldom does not produce any nourishment. So, I will raise the issue briefly here on these pages.
My intention: expression, and more goodness.
It has been probably over 10 years since Dave and I have had more care free times – times when the respect and good will were present. 1o yeas: Murderers, convicted of manslaughter, would have been released over that time.
What is the problem, and who is it effecting?.
I asked my bro jo, his girl, Dad and Lou, how they would describe the situation between Dave and I : Answers: estranged; no relationship; it’s not where you (Rob) want it, obviously there is no relationship ……..
What is the problem, I asked
Answers included: I’m not sure what the problem is; you said something, didn’t you? You said something to his kids; You got in his face about his kids. Don’t know what the problem is.
Responses to further questions included: it would be nice if it were on better terms; I don’t like it; I would hope and pray it would work out. I can’t change it, try not to be upset about it; I would be excited- it would be nice for you to get back together.
Regarding its impact on my relationship with my niece and nephews, answers included: I am sure it’s negative.
What is clear is that it does have a negative impact on many, and each of these people would prefer it to be different.
As difficult to as it was for Dad to answer my questions, he did. I wonder what it is like for him, to have his sons engaged in such a way. Is he proud of each of us in this regard? What does he tell himself? Is he proud of himself, and any role plays and played in such a reality?
I am quite sure, in addition to everyone I spoke to about this, my niece, and two nephews and perhaps you KM would prefer it differently. Would you?
What was also overriding a in responses I received is: that I am barking up the wrong tree; its fruitless, you are torturing yourself; and it is what it is.
Well I won’t speculate, expect or attach to any kind of specific result here I am expressing myself, encouraging open dialog about human dynamics This, while putting out a good intention and good wedding wishes on the shared celebration of Thanksgiving.
Obviously, though, Dave’s vibe towards me is less than ideal. As you may now he has made it clear he wants no good will toward me.
So, I have two requests.
First: Please ask Dave to write out in concise and distilled way, what exactly is the problem. If he were to stick with the facts as they were: what I actually may have said, or what I may have actually did, as it is in his mind, then a) he could look at things, perhaps, more clearly, and see if in fact this no good will thing, or whatever it is should be continued
A principle of fairness is that people accused of something should know clearly what it is that they are being accused of? Wouldn’t you agree?
I would like to be able to succinctly and honestly say why it is my brother and I don’t talk.
What is it exactly that I did that warrants the position Dave holds towards me; and its resulting negative influences on various family members, no one more than me…..except for ,perhaps, the negative effect it has on Dave.
Please get in writing for me. Words can be very potent. I cant imaging it would take more than a half page or so to scribe what’s critical.
Writing down the allegations, what I have done, would be real good for everyone, especially Dave.
It would be a great wedding gift that Dave could give himself and you. To write something down about a high impact area of his life, and have a look at it. Even if it is only for moment.
And secondly, and far more fun than asking someone for something that you’re pretty sure they will be less than thrilled to comply with, is to engage in a little future fantasy with me.
While interviewing Brian, he relentlessly offered the cliché – It is what it is!
While absolutely true, a simple proves its limitations as well. For example, right now, I have a cup of coffee on the table beside me. Now, just now, I took a sip from the mug. So, in fact, the coffee mug has less in it than it did less than a minute ago. So, it still is what it is, but it is different than it was just moments ago. It is not what it was. It has a new is. And Now, again, in this time, it is what it is.
So the fantasy is that perhaps something can shift here. \
Hey, BTW, what do you think of the shared realtiy that you and dave were inovled in underwater danger and so was I only months ago. Yah, curisou about that, and the fact that dave and I were iin the hospital at the exact same time in 2004. Cool eh?
I invite you to consider this again, as a gift a great wedding gift, regardless of the outcome. Just the fact that you are reading this, and others, and I am writing this, has already brought more goodness in the mix.
Yah. All us boys, sometimes, would make fun of the weird old ways, the goofy ways that our older family members would sometimes behave. We could see, even if we could not articulate it, that it wasn’t good ….
Perhaps any catalytic quality this letter might have, I say use it to give yourself and Dave and a huge wedding present. To assist him in letting it go. Let go of the whatever.
Of course, I know we are in fantasy land here, but I will continue.
A wise mentor of ours, a founder of the Haven, has said, people are scared, and then they decide what to be scared about - in effect, they choose where to transmute their fear. And the same principle applies for anger - where do they point it. Where do I. Well, plenty places, people and occasions too many.
In the world of asshole behaviour, I have a list that while not peerless, is a worthy contender for many others., particularity in the world of being reactive, angry, Blamey, you know sitting on peoples’ last nerve.
I notice plenty of angry bastards in the environmental movement, for example. And a cross check might look like: OMgoodness, how in reality could I have made my mother so mad, so often, especially before I was exercising much in the way of choice in the world. No, my mom had an ill temper at times, like everyone in her family. And she pointed it far too often, wa y past the boundary of personal responsibly. With negative effects. She heavily flavoured the emotional tone, especially under stress.
Yah, I heard this counsellor say, : to learn to express negative feelings in a responsible way…..our blood line carries heavy flaws. So yah, why not bride to be, see if he wishes to move on. I promise you that you’d benefit.
It is thanksgiving after all. And your wedding. Which should be a celebration of love. Not, additionally, some kind of celebration of the Love of Grudge.
Yah the fantasy is he lets go of it. And everyone around feels a little tension lift. A little bit more respect enters the circle. Little more consciousness, little more Wisdom and - compassion has more room to work its magic. Yah that would be remarkable. Who would not love that? Who would not think that is great?
Just the end of hostilities, as they say in war……would be great. Many positives would ensue….
The fantasy could expand, and Dave could email me and go dude, let’s get back to the kind of fun loving nurturing relationships that we had for decades..
Lets respect our name more, more honour, more truth…..
Yah, Rob, I am sorry I had my head up my ass for so long. Not wanting good will, what the fuck was I thinking? I love you. I’m the bigger asshole. So sorry, ooops.
And he’s so excited with his re-found joy, that he goes on to invite me to his wedding. Last time I was groom guy!
And then, in this fantasy, I would respond: oh Dave, no no, I was the bigger asshole, come on, I should have been more sensitive to our deep fears that were being stimulated. More sensitive and aware of each of our needs, abilities and limitations. Me, mia culpa. Me I Should have been doing a better job of keeping the critical link of love between us. And all those boundaries I crossed. Fucccckkkk, I’m sorry buddy. Like you, just doing my best. Hey I hope you are still enjoying the fact I love Elena, I love Kyle, I love Jessica, I love Ryan, my godson. ….and thanks so much for the invite, perhaps we can all get together soon, maybe Jess’s graduation, but I am soooooooo sorrrrry, I can’t make the wedding, but may it go great..
And, while I know that dad, and lou and the kids would all have more fun and joy if I was there, and extra joy cause the log jam has been broken, But I have to work this weekend, you know, I have made a lot of curious career choices, and, well, I have to earn dough. So, thanks again, give my love to everyone.
Then I would be thinking, I am so glad that the cold war is over, that he and I were released from some the horrible lock of understandable stupidity. The lock those toxic pathways have on each individual in different ways. Then we set out to do the work being more responsible an respectful and the very hard work of building new brain pathways to overlay good or neutral thoughts on top of that old, shitty low road that is not needed anymore.
Yah, and isn’t better over here?
Pretty good fantasy, eh?
We’ll see.
Anyways, KM, there is my writing for the day. It is unclear what kind of relationship is possible and will be chosen between you and your new west coast good-guy bro in law.
Know I enjoyed you at the Haven, and I was thrilled to often hear the steady kindness in my brother’s voice when he spoke to you Wonderful, as he likes to say.
Best to your new sister in law
Love Rob
I
Hey happy September! Happy Thanksgiving! And Wow, you must be super excited about your wedding day this Saturday. First one I think for you. Me, have not walked down that aisle. Perhaps some day.
This Monday, I am hosting a bird at my place and I promise you KM, we will raise a glass in your honour. – Thanksgiving Monday.
This letter is a gift – of good will, of communication, of honesty and love. It is Good. Please accept it as such.
Welcome to the family KM. Again, may you have a successful marriage to my brother. May the rest of your lives be filled with increasing love, harmony and respect.
I left you a nervous message on your phone yesterday. As you gathered the writings I sent you yesterday, I am doing some writing, and this letter in particular is directed for you.
As you know, I can’t make it to the wedding this weekend, so I thought I would pen this diatribe in my absence.
I love my family. All the characters in my family, now yours, are filled with passion, conviction, smarts and various quirks.
No one is that more true for than my Mom. I’m not sure you had the opportunity to know her before she passed on, into what she would have hoped was heaven. I have it from good sources that she is in a very good place
Mother Mary was a spirited woman, to be sure. Gregarious, boisterous, playful and more. She had a wonderful voice – and sang with gusto. She also liked to be special, like all of us I suppose. In my youth, I would often find myself in a prolonged contraction while various hymns were being sung in church. It seemed my dear mother, thru a malfunctioning internal metronome, or spiritual ambition, or something, was often a half a measure a head of the rest of the congregation . This seemed especially true at the beginning of the song, perhaps dreams of being the director. That was Mamma. A similar drive fuels a bit of my desire to write you this kind note, to be noticed – to participate.
Fond of teaching, or perhaps instructing might be more accurate, she had a stable of phrases and commands that aided the effort. The range and use was varied and sometimes very helpful, to the bizzare and not so helpful. Take care of your teeth; tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are. Or BA, is bugger all to help prepare the palette.
I loved how much my mom liked to giggle. She loved to play. And food OMG. This is one area she definitely engaged fully. I have fond memories of Chocolate Malts downstairs at the Bay, in Saskatoon. And witnessed many times her externalized internal debates on whether or not to have that chocolate bar. The answer was nearly always yes. Mars bars, I would have to say were here favourite.
She liked to laugh, and stir it up too. Seems to have rubbed off on brother joe. And, she, like so many of us - my family in particular, was not so good in regards to this letting go thing. Perhaps it is the intensity that was so intoxicating…so compelling. Whatever position she had on something, seldom was it anything but absolute. She, intoning far above her pay scale, the doctrine of infallibility that pope relies on , a bit too often a casual observer might think.
Speaking of the pope, I toured the incredible museums under the guardianship of the Catholic Church, in his new home town Rome. I loved the story the guide told of one pope who lived long ago.
Apparently that was when blood lines played more of a role than money, and power. Anyways, he was like 29 or something, and fornicating somebody’s wife (weren’t the 10 commandments a big seller by then?) Anyways, the husband was you know, not so thrilled. And as you know men, they can get REAL territorial around what they perceive as their property, or claim, or responsibility. In this case, I think the bloke who’s wife was shagging the pope, said, I’m gonna kill that fucker, and did. Apparently he grabbed him and threw him out the window. Sadly for that particular pope, the mattress ( presumably) of his indiscretion was not on the ground level, or as we like to call them here in town - not on the garden level. Anyways, they needed a new pope.
But, back to mom – and as one last parting comment, I will say the church did influence my mother and our family, and many others, in significant ways.
OK, we were talking about the plethora of mother marries expressions, which are a fast track way of learning about someone, as repetition reinforces. One particular pain filled affirmation was telling. On more than one occasion, to try to manage her hurt, through masking and blunting, she continued to ride and fuel that toxic rocket of resentment, to an unwise degree - she wouldn’t let go. She drank that elixir of destructive blame, over and over again, with countless shitty thoughts all creating deeper and more complex pathways strengthen the loop. This process and result can be encapsulated brilliantly with her words, …..I’ll never forgive him….NEVER.
Oh Momma.
It’s reminiscent of brian joe and I repeating one of child hood get-backs, like secret handshakes at an age when we couldn’t quite talk back loudly, but could make faces and hissing noises behind backs. One of our mantras in response to confusing behaviours was – were NEVER getting marrieeeeeeed.
Yet, my mom continued to grow and learn and was engaged in bridge building right until the end of her life.
For that I am grateful and have tremendous respect for. Her last decade in particular, saw her make steady progress to contain, to make friends with and manager her dark side. She more and more minimized the negative effects of her shortcomings on others. She became more sensitive, and more vulnerable. And she was a relentless advocate for my well being and advancement. I totally miss her support and her true undying love.
She wrote dozens if not a hundred little cards of caring in those years. She was my most consistent ally. –She loved me, and all her sons, tremendously. Despite bombastic episodes, disowned pain, confusing boundaries et al, she is a deeply loving and wonderful woman. I am sure she is Peaceful.
Now Dad, you do know more of. What a great guy eh… When I think of the wild ride he has been on. When he was like 3, the Reichstag was burning, an ominous sign of what was to come. Talk about the makings of PTSD …the whole world at that time. Dad is a smart man – very resourceful and can, as you know, fix anything. I am often thankful the abilities I inherited. As my mom would say, a chip off the ol block.
And, no doubt you are the beneficiary of Dad’s love. Especially because like all of us in the family, we were desperate for more yin, more femininity to balance the onslaught of yangy testosterone in the family.
One of my most cherished memories of our Father, is when I was visiting Saskatoon a few years ago, and we drove out to an acreage inhabited by Dad’s stepdaughter. It was a day true to the slogan on his licence plate: Land of the Living Skies. As we pulled onto the property, a few hundred meters away from us stood two your girls, perhaps 9 and 12 - his granddaughters. As they recognized the van, they bolted across the prairie towards the focus of their love – my Father. It was amazing. Time slowed down as I watched these beautiful girls sprinting – their faces beaming, their eyes wild with excitement, roaring open hearted slamming right into my father. They smothered each as they expressed the net reality of their relationship - juicy, yummy, love. of their relationship.
It was so beautiful. I was so happy - happy to witness love like that. And with my Dad……..awesome.
Then there is my brother, your other new brother in law. He is a very interesting globalised character, would you not agree? Smart, savvy, funny and more….all in one package. I should send you this picture of him from about 40 years ago. He has his trademark during photo ops – a penny in his eye socket. A good clown he is.
I love my brother Brian very much. My brother the fiancé too, that matter. Brother Brian has done very well for himself. In effect, he could retire at 40, and in some ways did. Now, working on his own gig – doing every job under the sun, as an investor, a multiple property landlord, plumber, drywall, and as he incessently told me yesterday, a (complaint driven) dedicated mover and cleaner.
I love my brother, and he, like me, can be difficult. I interviewed him the other day, along with Dad and Lou, and was a bit saddened to hear him say that he didn’t think he had any real relationship with his niece and nephews. I found that sad. Perhaps that will grow. Me, l thinks the continuity, diversity and homogeneity of family to be important. Blood is thicker than water my mom would say. I say they do have some relationship, it is just likely not highly impactful as perhaps someone might like. At all events those 4 will be at your wedding so it is a great opportunity for them to spend some time. Brian, like me, likes to party, so he will shine at your gig. Next week, at the latest, I will send some pics.
Anyways, it’s often fun to hang with Brian, ‘cause he can be such a card. I hope you enjoy him this weekend.
And me, well, you got some sense of me when we accidently attended the same course at Haven Institute a few years back. We seemed to enjoy each other, wouldn’t you say? And it was ok at the ol mans 80th eh? Speaking of which, I ask dad every so often, ever think about dying? My couselller says that kind of opening is called making a bid, in certain circles. Anyways, he always answers rather quickly WHAT FOR. While he answers in such a way it is not really a question. But if I was to answer , I would surmise it like this: so you die well fine father, to die well. Few things don’t benefit from some planning. Anyways, I would be cusious of your thoughts on this question, since you are in health care.
And Me? Gosh, to accurately describe oneself. What context. What’s important now. How honest do I want to be. What’s’ my agenda? So many things to consider. . . .
On the plus side: I see myself overall as a good hearted man, who is interested, and is finding his way on his meandering roads of career, relationships, spirituality and citizenship.
On the negative side, I can be quite intense, sometimes uncover and sit on people’s last nerve. A shadow worker some say, whatever that is. And, like everyone in my immediate family, boundary issues require on-going attentiveness for the best results. How would you describe me?
So KM, as I indicated earlier, I can’t make your wedding, and I think one of the main reasons is because I was not invited. I think most people would have some curiosity about that, as do I.
As you know, there is some kind of issue between your fiancé, my brother, and me. And, while it’s perhaps not so fun to look at, shining a little light on things seldom does not produce any nourishment. So, I will raise the issue briefly here on these pages.
My intention: expression, and more goodness.
It has been probably over 10 years since Dave and I have had more care free times – times when the respect and good will were present. 1o yeas: Murderers, convicted of manslaughter, would have been released over that time.
What is the problem, and who is it effecting?.
I asked my bro jo, his girl, Dad and Lou, how they would describe the situation between Dave and I : Answers: estranged; no relationship; it’s not where you (Rob) want it, obviously there is no relationship ……..
What is the problem, I asked
Answers included: I’m not sure what the problem is; you said something, didn’t you? You said something to his kids; You got in his face about his kids. Don’t know what the problem is.
Responses to further questions included: it would be nice if it were on better terms; I don’t like it; I would hope and pray it would work out. I can’t change it, try not to be upset about it; I would be excited- it would be nice for you to get back together.
Regarding its impact on my relationship with my niece and nephews, answers included: I am sure it’s negative.
What is clear is that it does have a negative impact on many, and each of these people would prefer it to be different.
As difficult to as it was for Dad to answer my questions, he did. I wonder what it is like for him, to have his sons engaged in such a way. Is he proud of each of us in this regard? What does he tell himself? Is he proud of himself, and any role plays and played in such a reality?
I am quite sure, in addition to everyone I spoke to about this, my niece, and two nephews and perhaps you KM would prefer it differently. Would you?
What was also overriding a in responses I received is: that I am barking up the wrong tree; its fruitless, you are torturing yourself; and it is what it is.
Well I won’t speculate, expect or attach to any kind of specific result here I am expressing myself, encouraging open dialog about human dynamics This, while putting out a good intention and good wedding wishes on the shared celebration of Thanksgiving.
Obviously, though, Dave’s vibe towards me is less than ideal. As you may now he has made it clear he wants no good will toward me.
So, I have two requests.
First: Please ask Dave to write out in concise and distilled way, what exactly is the problem. If he were to stick with the facts as they were: what I actually may have said, or what I may have actually did, as it is in his mind, then a) he could look at things, perhaps, more clearly, and see if in fact this no good will thing, or whatever it is should be continued
A principle of fairness is that people accused of something should know clearly what it is that they are being accused of? Wouldn’t you agree?
I would like to be able to succinctly and honestly say why it is my brother and I don’t talk.
What is it exactly that I did that warrants the position Dave holds towards me; and its resulting negative influences on various family members, no one more than me…..except for ,perhaps, the negative effect it has on Dave.
Please get in writing for me. Words can be very potent. I cant imaging it would take more than a half page or so to scribe what’s critical.
Writing down the allegations, what I have done, would be real good for everyone, especially Dave.
It would be a great wedding gift that Dave could give himself and you. To write something down about a high impact area of his life, and have a look at it. Even if it is only for moment.
And secondly, and far more fun than asking someone for something that you’re pretty sure they will be less than thrilled to comply with, is to engage in a little future fantasy with me.
While interviewing Brian, he relentlessly offered the cliché – It is what it is!
While absolutely true, a simple proves its limitations as well. For example, right now, I have a cup of coffee on the table beside me. Now, just now, I took a sip from the mug. So, in fact, the coffee mug has less in it than it did less than a minute ago. So, it still is what it is, but it is different than it was just moments ago. It is not what it was. It has a new is. And Now, again, in this time, it is what it is.
So the fantasy is that perhaps something can shift here. \
Hey, BTW, what do you think of the shared realtiy that you and dave were inovled in underwater danger and so was I only months ago. Yah, curisou about that, and the fact that dave and I were iin the hospital at the exact same time in 2004. Cool eh?
I invite you to consider this again, as a gift a great wedding gift, regardless of the outcome. Just the fact that you are reading this, and others, and I am writing this, has already brought more goodness in the mix.
Yah. All us boys, sometimes, would make fun of the weird old ways, the goofy ways that our older family members would sometimes behave. We could see, even if we could not articulate it, that it wasn’t good ….
Perhaps any catalytic quality this letter might have, I say use it to give yourself and Dave and a huge wedding present. To assist him in letting it go. Let go of the whatever.
Of course, I know we are in fantasy land here, but I will continue.
A wise mentor of ours, a founder of the Haven, has said, people are scared, and then they decide what to be scared about - in effect, they choose where to transmute their fear. And the same principle applies for anger - where do they point it. Where do I. Well, plenty places, people and occasions too many.
In the world of asshole behaviour, I have a list that while not peerless, is a worthy contender for many others., particularity in the world of being reactive, angry, Blamey, you know sitting on peoples’ last nerve.
I notice plenty of angry bastards in the environmental movement, for example. And a cross check might look like: OMgoodness, how in reality could I have made my mother so mad, so often, especially before I was exercising much in the way of choice in the world. No, my mom had an ill temper at times, like everyone in her family. And she pointed it far too often, wa y past the boundary of personal responsibly. With negative effects. She heavily flavoured the emotional tone, especially under stress.
Yah, I heard this counsellor say, : to learn to express negative feelings in a responsible way…..our blood line carries heavy flaws. So yah, why not bride to be, see if he wishes to move on. I promise you that you’d benefit.
It is thanksgiving after all. And your wedding. Which should be a celebration of love. Not, additionally, some kind of celebration of the Love of Grudge.
Yah the fantasy is he lets go of it. And everyone around feels a little tension lift. A little bit more respect enters the circle. Little more consciousness, little more Wisdom and - compassion has more room to work its magic. Yah that would be remarkable. Who would not love that? Who would not think that is great?
Just the end of hostilities, as they say in war……would be great. Many positives would ensue….
The fantasy could expand, and Dave could email me and go dude, let’s get back to the kind of fun loving nurturing relationships that we had for decades..
Lets respect our name more, more honour, more truth…..
Yah, Rob, I am sorry I had my head up my ass for so long. Not wanting good will, what the fuck was I thinking? I love you. I’m the bigger asshole. So sorry, ooops.
And he’s so excited with his re-found joy, that he goes on to invite me to his wedding. Last time I was groom guy!
And then, in this fantasy, I would respond: oh Dave, no no, I was the bigger asshole, come on, I should have been more sensitive to our deep fears that were being stimulated. More sensitive and aware of each of our needs, abilities and limitations. Me, mia culpa. Me I Should have been doing a better job of keeping the critical link of love between us. And all those boundaries I crossed. Fucccckkkk, I’m sorry buddy. Like you, just doing my best. Hey I hope you are still enjoying the fact I love Elena, I love Kyle, I love Jessica, I love Ryan, my godson. ….and thanks so much for the invite, perhaps we can all get together soon, maybe Jess’s graduation, but I am soooooooo sorrrrry, I can’t make the wedding, but may it go great..
And, while I know that dad, and lou and the kids would all have more fun and joy if I was there, and extra joy cause the log jam has been broken, But I have to work this weekend, you know, I have made a lot of curious career choices, and, well, I have to earn dough. So, thanks again, give my love to everyone.
Then I would be thinking, I am so glad that the cold war is over, that he and I were released from some the horrible lock of understandable stupidity. The lock those toxic pathways have on each individual in different ways. Then we set out to do the work being more responsible an respectful and the very hard work of building new brain pathways to overlay good or neutral thoughts on top of that old, shitty low road that is not needed anymore.
Yah, and isn’t better over here?
Pretty good fantasy, eh?
We’ll see.
Anyways, KM, there is my writing for the day. It is unclear what kind of relationship is possible and will be chosen between you and your new west coast good-guy bro in law.
Know I enjoyed you at the Haven, and I was thrilled to often hear the steady kindness in my brother’s voice when he spoke to you Wonderful, as he likes to say.
Best to your new sister in law
Love Rob
I
Day 4: Vibing the Gud Vibe
VIBING TH E GOOD VIBE
It was a fabulous day; it couldn’t have been better. And as the dozen of us were saying our lingering good byes, it was clear many knew this had been a very special day, which had afforded unique opportunities. And Carpe Diem indeed – we did seize the day with fullness and vigor and I for one, was resisting a little in letting go of the extended moment. But the day was ending. Soon to be gone.
This lingering late night group was a subset of a larger gathering of family of friends – a significant mass of love and connection that was centred around a freshly minted octogenarian, with whom I share a direct blood line.
In the spring of 1930, a beautiful young boy was born in a house in Sarbeck, near the University town of Muenster, in the Fatherland. Walter Lucas was the 4th in line of what was, when fully built out, a family of 7 children. It was the birthday of his younger sister Magdalena that prompted the gathering in the quaint church-bell-ringing town of Paderborn, this past September of 2011. And me” I’m the youngest son of Walter.
Like all good parties where average age of the attendees is rather significant, it started at noon. And like celebrations dating back eons, it was filled with food, drink, music and good sharing.
My brother, the aging pugilist from an earlier essay, was working his magic throughout the day. Funny and charming, smart and engaging, he attracted and entranced his own entourage of the intrigued. He and I sat at different tables, mirroring a larger pattern of each of my immediate family members having their own province.
Around the room were a plethora of personalities. The Germans, for anyone who’s paying attention to history, export GDP numbers, or who has directly engaged them, knows they are no slouches. Smart, hardworking, and enterprising – sure; but it is this thing called, what – Intensity? – perhaps laced with competency, that provides the endless fodder for late night comedians.
This intensity shows up in many ways. An Italian lover, whose blood line includes a German father, commented that the Germans have spent a couple of generations reflecting and examining themselves. She pointed to the more intense problems in Italy as a direct reflection, of that lack of reflection.
There were speeches, including one from yours truly, tremendous good food, friends, and most interesting to me – family. Literally within 15m of me were more than two dozen cousins, 2nd cousins, uncles and aunts, along with dozens of friends of the birthday gurl, and, my Father and his long time bride-in-waiting.
Three brothers in particular impacted my day; the sons of the octogenarian. They are all similar in age to me and my two brothers, and they had 5 kids and 3 gorgeous wives between them. Nice. Also, between them was a palpable good will and respect, so critical for higher interpersonal functioning.
There was so much genuine mutual curiosity amongst us all; and an unspoken agreement to maximize the day. From the general like: holy crap, Siemens has well over 300,000 employees, to the more personal: hey Dadio, how are you integrating and enjoying the fact that your eldest daughter is stunningly beautiful, super tall and dating?
As the day fell to evening, and the evening fell to deep night, we gathered outside of what was by then, our 3rd venue of the day. As we stood on the wide cobblestone sidewalks under the soft street lights, us - 5 brothers and the sons, daughters, wives and cousins, said our goodbyes.
It was such a satisfying day - to know more of who I am, and to know more of some others. And to share so much goodwill and love, fuelled in part by our shared heritage, was so awesome. We were all rich in the currency of being very welcomed and acceptance. Yes indeed it was hard to say good bye. But we did.
I saw my cousin walk away together with his wife of many years. As they gently strolled away, they effortlessly put their arms around each other and shared a full lateral embrace as they continued. I imagined they too were feeling the wonderfulness.
Closing the door gently to my hotel room, I breathed deeply, and wept.
It was a fabulous day; it couldn’t have been better. And as the dozen of us were saying our lingering good byes, it was clear many knew this had been a very special day, which had afforded unique opportunities. And Carpe Diem indeed – we did seize the day with fullness and vigor and I for one, was resisting a little in letting go of the extended moment. But the day was ending. Soon to be gone.
This lingering late night group was a subset of a larger gathering of family of friends – a significant mass of love and connection that was centred around a freshly minted octogenarian, with whom I share a direct blood line.
In the spring of 1930, a beautiful young boy was born in a house in Sarbeck, near the University town of Muenster, in the Fatherland. Walter Lucas was the 4th in line of what was, when fully built out, a family of 7 children. It was the birthday of his younger sister Magdalena that prompted the gathering in the quaint church-bell-ringing town of Paderborn, this past September of 2011. And me” I’m the youngest son of Walter.
Like all good parties where average age of the attendees is rather significant, it started at noon. And like celebrations dating back eons, it was filled with food, drink, music and good sharing.
My brother, the aging pugilist from an earlier essay, was working his magic throughout the day. Funny and charming, smart and engaging, he attracted and entranced his own entourage of the intrigued. He and I sat at different tables, mirroring a larger pattern of each of my immediate family members having their own province.
Around the room were a plethora of personalities. The Germans, for anyone who’s paying attention to history, export GDP numbers, or who has directly engaged them, knows they are no slouches. Smart, hardworking, and enterprising – sure; but it is this thing called, what – Intensity? – perhaps laced with competency, that provides the endless fodder for late night comedians.
This intensity shows up in many ways. An Italian lover, whose blood line includes a German father, commented that the Germans have spent a couple of generations reflecting and examining themselves. She pointed to the more intense problems in Italy as a direct reflection, of that lack of reflection.
There were speeches, including one from yours truly, tremendous good food, friends, and most interesting to me – family. Literally within 15m of me were more than two dozen cousins, 2nd cousins, uncles and aunts, along with dozens of friends of the birthday gurl, and, my Father and his long time bride-in-waiting.
Three brothers in particular impacted my day; the sons of the octogenarian. They are all similar in age to me and my two brothers, and they had 5 kids and 3 gorgeous wives between them. Nice. Also, between them was a palpable good will and respect, so critical for higher interpersonal functioning.
There was so much genuine mutual curiosity amongst us all; and an unspoken agreement to maximize the day. From the general like: holy crap, Siemens has well over 300,000 employees, to the more personal: hey Dadio, how are you integrating and enjoying the fact that your eldest daughter is stunningly beautiful, super tall and dating?
As the day fell to evening, and the evening fell to deep night, we gathered outside of what was by then, our 3rd venue of the day. As we stood on the wide cobblestone sidewalks under the soft street lights, us - 5 brothers and the sons, daughters, wives and cousins, said our goodbyes.
It was such a satisfying day - to know more of who I am, and to know more of some others. And to share so much goodwill and love, fuelled in part by our shared heritage, was so awesome. We were all rich in the currency of being very welcomed and acceptance. Yes indeed it was hard to say good bye. But we did.
I saw my cousin walk away together with his wife of many years. As they gently strolled away, they effortlessly put their arms around each other and shared a full lateral embrace as they continued. I imagined they too were feeling the wonderfulness.
Closing the door gently to my hotel room, I breathed deeply, and wept.
Day 3: Einstein
Quiet Quiet Quiet, my unkle hushed us, she’s talking – ….turn right 800m - she commanded in a sexy kind of way. She, was my unkle’s new master it seemed. Dubbed Einstein, although curiously with a woman’s voice, this free app for the iPhone promised clear directions to anywhere, although a casual observer could easily see this was not always the case. Nonetheless, she had the most prominent seat at the table, or in this case – the most prominent audible position in the 5 series Beemer which was jetin’ down the Autobahn, under the reasonably firm control of my brother.
But brother had the disease, that terrible - I can’t hear you ‘cause I’m not-really-listening-to-you while you’re giving me directions disease. He’s not alone, certainly. I suffer from it, and so do many others. Indeed it’s a bit curious why so many of us resist useful knowledge generally and directions in particular. Jokes abound about men who can’t receive directions. Generally though, they sure can give them. And, that was happening in a huge way.
To be fair, my bro was extra stimulated. As he was designated driver, after my unkle, who finally surrendered control of the 4000 pound rolling steel cage. Surrendered it, because he was having bizarre stroke like symptoms in his eye over the previous few days. Still, like a good male, and the registered German owner of that fine vehicle built in Germany, and if you can believe it, 10 other countries currently. Unkle did drive for the first hour or so, before assuming shot gun position for the rest of the trip to Hamburg, the massive inland port in the north of Muenster.
How many people does it take to drive a car filled with my family you ask – everyone. It was truly comical, and a bit of a carryover from the night before when an octogenarian auntie was driving us to dinner. It seems clear driving at night, with a load full of boisterous helpful extended family members, should be avoided for everyone’s safety by my dear aunt.
At all events, we were cruising up the Autobahn and we couldn’t help but notice the tremendous numbers of big wind machines churning away. Despite the intermittent and not-on-demand nature of these machines, I was thrilled to see so many. Germany is a major leader with roughly ¼ of the Europeans 84,000 installed MW, nearly twice as much as China or the US.
A conversation began about which way the wind flows through the machines. Dad, who is very knowledgeable on many fronts, and definitely all things power, floated the counter-intuitive proposition that the wind flows from the back of the machine – the motor side. Brother did not agree.
What ensued was comical, instructive and sadly, a bit tragic.
Although there was definitely over 3 hours left in the drive, and I imagined everyone could have said everything they ever wanted to about wind power in under 20 minutes, you wouldn’t know it by the constant interruptions.
Initially, I took a position but quickly backed out and mostly observed, asked the odd clarifying question, and mostly commented on the process.
Back and forth it went between these two fine men. Soon, a bet was suggested, which morphed into simply, an apology would be offered by the position holder who ended up being -da da dahhhhh - wrong.
It was almost surreal to watch - One man would speak, but before he could finish the other would interrupt and affirm their position. The other, pissed off at not being fully heard, repeated the cycle. While often people feel they haven’t been heard because the other did not agree with them. In this case, they simply were not heard – were not allowed to finish.
Saying it Louder and repeating it Again was the tactic used on both sides, as things escalated. As we all know, when it said again, it is more true, less false, and definitely so- if it is said louder.
As the voices rose, momma bear declared, no more. Just forget it. Stop talking about it. This too is a doomed strategy, as nothing was really resolved. A mentor of mine, and of many others in the family has a story that goes like this: My parents lied to me. They said that time heals all wounds, but in fact – when you just leave wounds unaddressed, don’t attend to them - they just become festering, infected dysfunctions.
Anyways, time-outs became necessary, and eventually, a boundary was agreed upon to not talk about it anymore, and when they had access to a computer they would settle who was right.
The uneasy silence – the ceasing of the energetic exchange -was broken various times. The trees, the trees, the driver called out, calling for their support in his argument. Can’t you see the wind is going in this direction, look at the trees?
Finally, noticing the direction of the flow thru a full wind sock, from an unlicensed aerodrome, alongside the highway, firmly settled the debate.
Wow. Subsequently, discussing this scenario with a couple of objective, informed people they remarked: It seems …that it was disallowed, yah the nourishment that is generated from an exchange when people are fully listening to each other Nourishment denied. The other remarked, that was your primary scenario. And indeed, in a lot of ways it was.
From one view, it was kind of funny. But overall, destructive habits were being practised, revealing and deepening wounds. More clinically, these patterns are deeply engrained, and very difficult to shift. I suffer from it immensely, as do those around me.
To combat such goofiness, rules and tools are useful: Goodwill and a commitment to fairness are necessary precursors to constructive dialog and particularly, a commitment to listen to each other fully. And, critically, when that is not happening, which will no doubt happen a lot, to immediately get each other, and ourselves, back on the good track….!
Oh, to see so much of myself in play, to love these men and myself even more - after accepting my role in the Full on Assery, that engrained that BMW, that fine September morning. These observations and these reflections are a little slice of a human condition, our conditioning. Life is yummy, isn’t it?
But brother had the disease, that terrible - I can’t hear you ‘cause I’m not-really-listening-to-you while you’re giving me directions disease. He’s not alone, certainly. I suffer from it, and so do many others. Indeed it’s a bit curious why so many of us resist useful knowledge generally and directions in particular. Jokes abound about men who can’t receive directions. Generally though, they sure can give them. And, that was happening in a huge way.
To be fair, my bro was extra stimulated. As he was designated driver, after my unkle, who finally surrendered control of the 4000 pound rolling steel cage. Surrendered it, because he was having bizarre stroke like symptoms in his eye over the previous few days. Still, like a good male, and the registered German owner of that fine vehicle built in Germany, and if you can believe it, 10 other countries currently. Unkle did drive for the first hour or so, before assuming shot gun position for the rest of the trip to Hamburg, the massive inland port in the north of Muenster.
How many people does it take to drive a car filled with my family you ask – everyone. It was truly comical, and a bit of a carryover from the night before when an octogenarian auntie was driving us to dinner. It seems clear driving at night, with a load full of boisterous helpful extended family members, should be avoided for everyone’s safety by my dear aunt.
At all events, we were cruising up the Autobahn and we couldn’t help but notice the tremendous numbers of big wind machines churning away. Despite the intermittent and not-on-demand nature of these machines, I was thrilled to see so many. Germany is a major leader with roughly ¼ of the Europeans 84,000 installed MW, nearly twice as much as China or the US.
A conversation began about which way the wind flows through the machines. Dad, who is very knowledgeable on many fronts, and definitely all things power, floated the counter-intuitive proposition that the wind flows from the back of the machine – the motor side. Brother did not agree.
What ensued was comical, instructive and sadly, a bit tragic.
Although there was definitely over 3 hours left in the drive, and I imagined everyone could have said everything they ever wanted to about wind power in under 20 minutes, you wouldn’t know it by the constant interruptions.
Initially, I took a position but quickly backed out and mostly observed, asked the odd clarifying question, and mostly commented on the process.
Back and forth it went between these two fine men. Soon, a bet was suggested, which morphed into simply, an apology would be offered by the position holder who ended up being -da da dahhhhh - wrong.
It was almost surreal to watch - One man would speak, but before he could finish the other would interrupt and affirm their position. The other, pissed off at not being fully heard, repeated the cycle. While often people feel they haven’t been heard because the other did not agree with them. In this case, they simply were not heard – were not allowed to finish.
Saying it Louder and repeating it Again was the tactic used on both sides, as things escalated. As we all know, when it said again, it is more true, less false, and definitely so- if it is said louder.
As the voices rose, momma bear declared, no more. Just forget it. Stop talking about it. This too is a doomed strategy, as nothing was really resolved. A mentor of mine, and of many others in the family has a story that goes like this: My parents lied to me. They said that time heals all wounds, but in fact – when you just leave wounds unaddressed, don’t attend to them - they just become festering, infected dysfunctions.
Anyways, time-outs became necessary, and eventually, a boundary was agreed upon to not talk about it anymore, and when they had access to a computer they would settle who was right.
The uneasy silence – the ceasing of the energetic exchange -was broken various times. The trees, the trees, the driver called out, calling for their support in his argument. Can’t you see the wind is going in this direction, look at the trees?
Finally, noticing the direction of the flow thru a full wind sock, from an unlicensed aerodrome, alongside the highway, firmly settled the debate.
Wow. Subsequently, discussing this scenario with a couple of objective, informed people they remarked: It seems …that it was disallowed, yah the nourishment that is generated from an exchange when people are fully listening to each other Nourishment denied. The other remarked, that was your primary scenario. And indeed, in a lot of ways it was.
From one view, it was kind of funny. But overall, destructive habits were being practised, revealing and deepening wounds. More clinically, these patterns are deeply engrained, and very difficult to shift. I suffer from it immensely, as do those around me.
To combat such goofiness, rules and tools are useful: Goodwill and a commitment to fairness are necessary precursors to constructive dialog and particularly, a commitment to listen to each other fully. And, critically, when that is not happening, which will no doubt happen a lot, to immediately get each other, and ourselves, back on the good track….!
Oh, to see so much of myself in play, to love these men and myself even more - after accepting my role in the Full on Assery, that engrained that BMW, that fine September morning. These observations and these reflections are a little slice of a human condition, our conditioning. Life is yummy, isn’t it?
Day 2. Not Vey Nice
2. A Betrayful Moment
Just do it; just fucking do it -You have to. There is no choice.
I couldn’t believe I was hearing this, that I was actually thinking about it; and worse, was the dreadful feeling as I surrendered to the reality, the knowing, that I actually was going to do it. It was as good as done. Uggg
I knew the planning was critical, and it went on for days or weeks perhaps. I don’t recall exactly when I committed to it, to this nefarious act of treason. I know that a line was crossed, or more accurately lines were crossed many many times and that something tipped for me - and a new level of retaliation was conceived, plotted, and was soon to be executed. Thus the justification.
I would only have a second to deliver the devastating blow I envisaged, to deliver it and escape; everything must be planned perfectly. The rational, the justification, the convincing, the arguments for kept mounting and screaming. The knowing that it was the only way, or in hindsight, the only way I could figure out at the time. All these reasons were constantly screaming in my head. The internal fight, like so many others, was not enjoyable. Always filled with absolutes, black and whites, reaction upon reaction – the yelling.
To inflict as much physical and psychological damage as possible, this was the goal; the physical pain must be maximized. But even more important was the ambush nature of the assault, this would leave an unsettling imprint on this person; so sadly, a person that I loved.
The uneasy legacy that would be left – was a critical piece of the planned assault. For as my enemy would run up the stairs in his own home, answering my trikery filled request , hopefully, the carefree ascent would be forever changed. I wanted him to feel fear and uncertainty, as a deterrent. I wanted my enemy to feel as much pain in that instant as possible - excruciating pain and to feel the horror of no time to prepare a defense. I was to sucker punch him, or more accurately, sucker kick.
I propped open the escape doors, pulled on my boots. Heart racing, fighting off thedeeply conflicting inertias. And the fear of his reaction. This is wrong!, this is evil, this is dirty; he’s your brother! What are you doing???
But, as I made the final preparations, these arguments were offset with the undoubted knowledge that if I didn’t do anything to stop it, the vicious, unpredictable and longgoing abusive behaviour would continue. Simply said, I was sick of it. Being hammered on by my brother had occurred for as long as I could remember, and it was increasing in frequency and viciousness. My brother’s body was full of teenage hormones, and his body was discharging the accumulating negative energy in an understandable but disturbing way. He was beating the shit out of me, his little brother, far too often, and far too aggressively. I could not beat him in a fight, it was not a fair fight, he was 3 years older, at an age when 3 years is meaningful. So, I had to resort to a more primitive ways of doing things.
Thank goodness, I didn’t use a weapon, like that Hell’s angel in Nevada the other day when he was was punched, knocked down, and then pridefull - pulled a gun. Thank goodness, I just used my own body and the element of a surprise as weapons. These, and the advantages high ground position at the top of the stairs.
I betrayed my brother that day, as I kicked him in the face with all my might. I cancelled some innocence, some hope it would be different, some hope that we would perhaps have more compassion for each other. I kicked him as hard as I could. I connected reasonably well. Not the jaw breaking kind of contact that it could have been, but enough that it shook him up in a large way.
I immediately ran out the open door and high-tailed it down the street with my raging brother in pursuit. His profanity filled screaming promised certain retaliation. I reminded him that I knew he could beat me, and to go ahead, but from that moment forward, I would always retaliate at a different level – I would always get even one way or another, and he could count on surprise.
As promised, he did retaliate soon after. He cornered my in the garage. I reminded him that I would respond. He said, well, that this assault, that just this one more - would make us even, and then proceeded to split a molar of mine. Oddly, although that tooth is still half missing, it never needed a repair – it does not seem to decay, is not noticeable and provides me with no pain – an ongoing puzzle to the dentists in my life.
So, with one exception which caused me a black many years later, that was the end of that kind of engagement.
So, how has live transpired since the stair incident on that tepid summer day in 1977. Stay tuned.
Copyright RLJB 2011
Just do it; just fucking do it -You have to. There is no choice.
I couldn’t believe I was hearing this, that I was actually thinking about it; and worse, was the dreadful feeling as I surrendered to the reality, the knowing, that I actually was going to do it. It was as good as done. Uggg
I knew the planning was critical, and it went on for days or weeks perhaps. I don’t recall exactly when I committed to it, to this nefarious act of treason. I know that a line was crossed, or more accurately lines were crossed many many times and that something tipped for me - and a new level of retaliation was conceived, plotted, and was soon to be executed. Thus the justification.
I would only have a second to deliver the devastating blow I envisaged, to deliver it and escape; everything must be planned perfectly. The rational, the justification, the convincing, the arguments for kept mounting and screaming. The knowing that it was the only way, or in hindsight, the only way I could figure out at the time. All these reasons were constantly screaming in my head. The internal fight, like so many others, was not enjoyable. Always filled with absolutes, black and whites, reaction upon reaction – the yelling.
To inflict as much physical and psychological damage as possible, this was the goal; the physical pain must be maximized. But even more important was the ambush nature of the assault, this would leave an unsettling imprint on this person; so sadly, a person that I loved.
The uneasy legacy that would be left – was a critical piece of the planned assault. For as my enemy would run up the stairs in his own home, answering my trikery filled request , hopefully, the carefree ascent would be forever changed. I wanted him to feel fear and uncertainty, as a deterrent. I wanted my enemy to feel as much pain in that instant as possible - excruciating pain and to feel the horror of no time to prepare a defense. I was to sucker punch him, or more accurately, sucker kick.
I propped open the escape doors, pulled on my boots. Heart racing, fighting off thedeeply conflicting inertias. And the fear of his reaction. This is wrong!, this is evil, this is dirty; he’s your brother! What are you doing???
But, as I made the final preparations, these arguments were offset with the undoubted knowledge that if I didn’t do anything to stop it, the vicious, unpredictable and longgoing abusive behaviour would continue. Simply said, I was sick of it. Being hammered on by my brother had occurred for as long as I could remember, and it was increasing in frequency and viciousness. My brother’s body was full of teenage hormones, and his body was discharging the accumulating negative energy in an understandable but disturbing way. He was beating the shit out of me, his little brother, far too often, and far too aggressively. I could not beat him in a fight, it was not a fair fight, he was 3 years older, at an age when 3 years is meaningful. So, I had to resort to a more primitive ways of doing things.
Thank goodness, I didn’t use a weapon, like that Hell’s angel in Nevada the other day when he was was punched, knocked down, and then pridefull - pulled a gun. Thank goodness, I just used my own body and the element of a surprise as weapons. These, and the advantages high ground position at the top of the stairs.
I betrayed my brother that day, as I kicked him in the face with all my might. I cancelled some innocence, some hope it would be different, some hope that we would perhaps have more compassion for each other. I kicked him as hard as I could. I connected reasonably well. Not the jaw breaking kind of contact that it could have been, but enough that it shook him up in a large way.
I immediately ran out the open door and high-tailed it down the street with my raging brother in pursuit. His profanity filled screaming promised certain retaliation. I reminded him that I knew he could beat me, and to go ahead, but from that moment forward, I would always retaliate at a different level – I would always get even one way or another, and he could count on surprise.
As promised, he did retaliate soon after. He cornered my in the garage. I reminded him that I would respond. He said, well, that this assault, that just this one more - would make us even, and then proceeded to split a molar of mine. Oddly, although that tooth is still half missing, it never needed a repair – it does not seem to decay, is not noticeable and provides me with no pain – an ongoing puzzle to the dentists in my life.
So, with one exception which caused me a black many years later, that was the end of that kind of engagement.
So, how has live transpired since the stair incident on that tepid summer day in 1977. Stay tuned.
Copyright RLJB 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
introduction
Twelve Days of Thanksgiving – PEACE, LOVE , GRATATUDE TOUR ‘11
A Conspectus a Snapshot a selected Review, in 12 days, of Robert Louis John Beckwermert’s View
hmmm huh!
Intention: express, understand, expand goodness
Audience: caring or interested parties
Day 1: Live on Sunday
It was a beautiful morning. No rain, some Sun. Stayed home last night, somewhat different than the near 3 am lay down time, the night before.
Pretty happy this am, generally, things have been improving over the last few years. Getting older, seems to have some benefits – but still, older and closer to death is pretty much always the case at any time in our lives, when we look back. So, yah, still pretty motivated to die well, but that will be many decades away.
Snapshot:
Work is pretty good. I like my job more all the time, and I have lots to do right now; so that’s good.
It looks like I’m wrapping up a multiyear litigation where I was rather deeply involved - overall the process has been very positive, and a good enough result is on the table. Still, it carried much negativity. Just the confidentiality agreement remains.
And, I love where I am living; a great space in Kitsilano, near the beach - which has a well-worn bike path alongside. I am the occupier of the top floor of the house, and there is a psych and a medical student on the main floor. They are mid-twenties, and except for the fact that they are not, they could be my children. I am near 48.
I have a many people flowing in and aroud my life; and, I have many interests.
Super grateful for a wonderful trip to Europe; much family and fantastic sights were visited.
There is an upcoming wedding in the family. First one in the family since the last time this brother was married, over 25 years ago. I was a groomsman in that one.
My father is pretty healthy and in a solid long held primary relationship complete with tons of grandchildren that he enjoys. That is pretty great.
While I am 200 pounds, and haven’t worked out much at all in the last year - in the last 2 weeks, I have engaged the gym about 6 times and started playing Ultimate, which is a super fun game. All good.
Been thinking of my Mom a lot this year, and lately my Aunt too. I referenced my Aunt’s book to find that town in Calabria – to see the rellies. My Mom was something. My Aunt too.
Yah, oh yah, I have a nice ride; older, German and sporty - like me.
It’s a great day to live in Canada. Our Supreme Court unanimously ruled for compassion and correction over punishment the other day. One of the key differences between Canadian’s and Americans is criminal justice policy. In California, they now spend more on the prison system than they do on education, even though the school system has 50 times the clients. Sadly, our current government is in the act of enacting minimum sentencing on a broad scale. Criminal, really, given that the US, as a country, has the highest percentage of criminals of all the countries in the world – and minimal sentencing is part of that extremist machine. Hmmm, I am off topic – at least partly. I am grateful for this amazing country and this incredible time in which I live. I am grateful for the free speech, and the that Court’s decision.
So, that about does it for a start. Happy Fall All!
Oh yah, there is this little Kindle E book, entitled Lying, and its Author is Sam Harris. A Kindle app is available for all computers. A mentor of mine turned me on to this author years ago.
This little e-book costs $1.99, and takes about 20-30 minutes to read. It could be entitled – why it makes so much sense to always tell the truth. Anyways, a really cool read.
A Conspectus a Snapshot a selected Review, in 12 days, of Robert Louis John Beckwermert’s View
hmmm huh!
Intention: express, understand, expand goodness
Audience: caring or interested parties
Day 1: Live on Sunday
It was a beautiful morning. No rain, some Sun. Stayed home last night, somewhat different than the near 3 am lay down time, the night before.
Pretty happy this am, generally, things have been improving over the last few years. Getting older, seems to have some benefits – but still, older and closer to death is pretty much always the case at any time in our lives, when we look back. So, yah, still pretty motivated to die well, but that will be many decades away.
Snapshot:
Work is pretty good. I like my job more all the time, and I have lots to do right now; so that’s good.
It looks like I’m wrapping up a multiyear litigation where I was rather deeply involved - overall the process has been very positive, and a good enough result is on the table. Still, it carried much negativity. Just the confidentiality agreement remains.
And, I love where I am living; a great space in Kitsilano, near the beach - which has a well-worn bike path alongside. I am the occupier of the top floor of the house, and there is a psych and a medical student on the main floor. They are mid-twenties, and except for the fact that they are not, they could be my children. I am near 48.
I have a many people flowing in and aroud my life; and, I have many interests.
Super grateful for a wonderful trip to Europe; much family and fantastic sights were visited.
There is an upcoming wedding in the family. First one in the family since the last time this brother was married, over 25 years ago. I was a groomsman in that one.
My father is pretty healthy and in a solid long held primary relationship complete with tons of grandchildren that he enjoys. That is pretty great.
While I am 200 pounds, and haven’t worked out much at all in the last year - in the last 2 weeks, I have engaged the gym about 6 times and started playing Ultimate, which is a super fun game. All good.
Been thinking of my Mom a lot this year, and lately my Aunt too. I referenced my Aunt’s book to find that town in Calabria – to see the rellies. My Mom was something. My Aunt too.
Yah, oh yah, I have a nice ride; older, German and sporty - like me.
It’s a great day to live in Canada. Our Supreme Court unanimously ruled for compassion and correction over punishment the other day. One of the key differences between Canadian’s and Americans is criminal justice policy. In California, they now spend more on the prison system than they do on education, even though the school system has 50 times the clients. Sadly, our current government is in the act of enacting minimum sentencing on a broad scale. Criminal, really, given that the US, as a country, has the highest percentage of criminals of all the countries in the world – and minimal sentencing is part of that extremist machine. Hmmm, I am off topic – at least partly. I am grateful for this amazing country and this incredible time in which I live. I am grateful for the free speech, and the that Court’s decision.
So, that about does it for a start. Happy Fall All!
Oh yah, there is this little Kindle E book, entitled Lying, and its Author is Sam Harris. A Kindle app is available for all computers. A mentor of mine turned me on to this author years ago.
This little e-book costs $1.99, and takes about 20-30 minutes to read. It could be entitled – why it makes so much sense to always tell the truth. Anyways, a really cool read.
Foundational Concepts
The function of this meeting space is to forward expression, connection, and goodness.
Two solid holds to stand on are Fairness and Truthfulness, and these two are paramount. While aruguably there is no Truth, there is truthfulness.
Also, for inter and intrapersonal relationships to function well, they need:
1) GOOD WILL
2) RESPONSIBILITY
3) Timely communicaiotn. that is, while we do not always say, think, or act in the best way, it's always best to clean up any mess ASAP.
GodSpeed
Two solid holds to stand on are Fairness and Truthfulness, and these two are paramount. While aruguably there is no Truth, there is truthfulness.
Also, for inter and intrapersonal relationships to function well, they need:
1) GOOD WILL
2) RESPONSIBILITY
3) Timely communicaiotn. that is, while we do not always say, think, or act in the best way, it's always best to clean up any mess ASAP.
GodSpeed
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