5.Letter to a brand new sister –in-law.
Hey happy September! Happy Thanksgiving! And Wow, you must be super excited about your wedding day this Saturday. First one I think for you. Me, have not walked down that aisle. Perhaps some day.
This Monday, I am hosting a bird at my place and I promise you KM, we will raise a glass in your honour. – Thanksgiving Monday.
This letter is a gift – of good will, of communication, of honesty and love. It is Good. Please accept it as such.
Welcome to the family KM. Again, may you have a successful marriage to my brother. May the rest of your lives be filled with increasing love, harmony and respect.
I left you a nervous message on your phone yesterday. As you gathered the writings I sent you yesterday, I am doing some writing, and this letter in particular is directed for you.
As you know, I can’t make it to the wedding this weekend, so I thought I would pen this diatribe in my absence.
I love my family. All the characters in my family, now yours, are filled with passion, conviction, smarts and various quirks.
No one is that more true for than my Mom. I’m not sure you had the opportunity to know her before she passed on, into what she would have hoped was heaven. I have it from good sources that she is in a very good place
Mother Mary was a spirited woman, to be sure. Gregarious, boisterous, playful and more. She had a wonderful voice – and sang with gusto. She also liked to be special, like all of us I suppose. In my youth, I would often find myself in a prolonged contraction while various hymns were being sung in church. It seemed my dear mother, thru a malfunctioning internal metronome, or spiritual ambition, or something, was often a half a measure a head of the rest of the congregation . This seemed especially true at the beginning of the song, perhaps dreams of being the director. That was Mamma. A similar drive fuels a bit of my desire to write you this kind note, to be noticed – to participate.
Fond of teaching, or perhaps instructing might be more accurate, she had a stable of phrases and commands that aided the effort. The range and use was varied and sometimes very helpful, to the bizzare and not so helpful. Take care of your teeth; tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are. Or BA, is bugger all to help prepare the palette.
I loved how much my mom liked to giggle. She loved to play. And food OMG. This is one area she definitely engaged fully. I have fond memories of Chocolate Malts downstairs at the Bay, in Saskatoon. And witnessed many times her externalized internal debates on whether or not to have that chocolate bar. The answer was nearly always yes. Mars bars, I would have to say were here favourite.
She liked to laugh, and stir it up too. Seems to have rubbed off on brother joe. And, she, like so many of us - my family in particular, was not so good in regards to this letting go thing. Perhaps it is the intensity that was so intoxicating…so compelling. Whatever position she had on something, seldom was it anything but absolute. She, intoning far above her pay scale, the doctrine of infallibility that pope relies on , a bit too often a casual observer might think.
Speaking of the pope, I toured the incredible museums under the guardianship of the Catholic Church, in his new home town Rome. I loved the story the guide told of one pope who lived long ago.
Apparently that was when blood lines played more of a role than money, and power. Anyways, he was like 29 or something, and fornicating somebody’s wife (weren’t the 10 commandments a big seller by then?) Anyways, the husband was you know, not so thrilled. And as you know men, they can get REAL territorial around what they perceive as their property, or claim, or responsibility. In this case, I think the bloke who’s wife was shagging the pope, said, I’m gonna kill that fucker, and did. Apparently he grabbed him and threw him out the window. Sadly for that particular pope, the mattress ( presumably) of his indiscretion was not on the ground level, or as we like to call them here in town - not on the garden level. Anyways, they needed a new pope.
But, back to mom – and as one last parting comment, I will say the church did influence my mother and our family, and many others, in significant ways.
OK, we were talking about the plethora of mother marries expressions, which are a fast track way of learning about someone, as repetition reinforces. One particular pain filled affirmation was telling. On more than one occasion, to try to manage her hurt, through masking and blunting, she continued to ride and fuel that toxic rocket of resentment, to an unwise degree - she wouldn’t let go. She drank that elixir of destructive blame, over and over again, with countless shitty thoughts all creating deeper and more complex pathways strengthen the loop. This process and result can be encapsulated brilliantly with her words, …..I’ll never forgive him….NEVER.
Oh Momma.
It’s reminiscent of brian joe and I repeating one of child hood get-backs, like secret handshakes at an age when we couldn’t quite talk back loudly, but could make faces and hissing noises behind backs. One of our mantras in response to confusing behaviours was – were NEVER getting marrieeeeeeed.
Yet, my mom continued to grow and learn and was engaged in bridge building right until the end of her life.
For that I am grateful and have tremendous respect for. Her last decade in particular, saw her make steady progress to contain, to make friends with and manager her dark side. She more and more minimized the negative effects of her shortcomings on others. She became more sensitive, and more vulnerable. And she was a relentless advocate for my well being and advancement. I totally miss her support and her true undying love.
She wrote dozens if not a hundred little cards of caring in those years. She was my most consistent ally. –She loved me, and all her sons, tremendously. Despite bombastic episodes, disowned pain, confusing boundaries et al, she is a deeply loving and wonderful woman. I am sure she is Peaceful.
Now Dad, you do know more of. What a great guy eh… When I think of the wild ride he has been on. When he was like 3, the Reichstag was burning, an ominous sign of what was to come. Talk about the makings of PTSD …the whole world at that time. Dad is a smart man – very resourceful and can, as you know, fix anything. I am often thankful the abilities I inherited. As my mom would say, a chip off the ol block.
And, no doubt you are the beneficiary of Dad’s love. Especially because like all of us in the family, we were desperate for more yin, more femininity to balance the onslaught of yangy testosterone in the family.
One of my most cherished memories of our Father, is when I was visiting Saskatoon a few years ago, and we drove out to an acreage inhabited by Dad’s stepdaughter. It was a day true to the slogan on his licence plate: Land of the Living Skies. As we pulled onto the property, a few hundred meters away from us stood two your girls, perhaps 9 and 12 - his granddaughters. As they recognized the van, they bolted across the prairie towards the focus of their love – my Father. It was amazing. Time slowed down as I watched these beautiful girls sprinting – their faces beaming, their eyes wild with excitement, roaring open hearted slamming right into my father. They smothered each as they expressed the net reality of their relationship - juicy, yummy, love. of their relationship.
It was so beautiful. I was so happy - happy to witness love like that. And with my Dad……..awesome.
Then there is my brother, your other new brother in law. He is a very interesting globalised character, would you not agree? Smart, savvy, funny and more….all in one package. I should send you this picture of him from about 40 years ago. He has his trademark during photo ops – a penny in his eye socket. A good clown he is.
I love my brother Brian very much. My brother the fiancé too, that matter. Brother Brian has done very well for himself. In effect, he could retire at 40, and in some ways did. Now, working on his own gig – doing every job under the sun, as an investor, a multiple property landlord, plumber, drywall, and as he incessently told me yesterday, a (complaint driven) dedicated mover and cleaner.
I love my brother, and he, like me, can be difficult. I interviewed him the other day, along with Dad and Lou, and was a bit saddened to hear him say that he didn’t think he had any real relationship with his niece and nephews. I found that sad. Perhaps that will grow. Me, l thinks the continuity, diversity and homogeneity of family to be important. Blood is thicker than water my mom would say. I say they do have some relationship, it is just likely not highly impactful as perhaps someone might like. At all events those 4 will be at your wedding so it is a great opportunity for them to spend some time. Brian, like me, likes to party, so he will shine at your gig. Next week, at the latest, I will send some pics.
Anyways, it’s often fun to hang with Brian, ‘cause he can be such a card. I hope you enjoy him this weekend.
And me, well, you got some sense of me when we accidently attended the same course at Haven Institute a few years back. We seemed to enjoy each other, wouldn’t you say? And it was ok at the ol mans 80th eh? Speaking of which, I ask dad every so often, ever think about dying? My couselller says that kind of opening is called making a bid, in certain circles. Anyways, he always answers rather quickly WHAT FOR. While he answers in such a way it is not really a question. But if I was to answer , I would surmise it like this: so you die well fine father, to die well. Few things don’t benefit from some planning. Anyways, I would be cusious of your thoughts on this question, since you are in health care.
And Me? Gosh, to accurately describe oneself. What context. What’s important now. How honest do I want to be. What’s’ my agenda? So many things to consider. . . .
On the plus side: I see myself overall as a good hearted man, who is interested, and is finding his way on his meandering roads of career, relationships, spirituality and citizenship.
On the negative side, I can be quite intense, sometimes uncover and sit on people’s last nerve. A shadow worker some say, whatever that is. And, like everyone in my immediate family, boundary issues require on-going attentiveness for the best results. How would you describe me?
So KM, as I indicated earlier, I can’t make your wedding, and I think one of the main reasons is because I was not invited. I think most people would have some curiosity about that, as do I.
As you know, there is some kind of issue between your fiancé, my brother, and me. And, while it’s perhaps not so fun to look at, shining a little light on things seldom does not produce any nourishment. So, I will raise the issue briefly here on these pages.
My intention: expression, and more goodness.
It has been probably over 10 years since Dave and I have had more care free times – times when the respect and good will were present. 1o yeas: Murderers, convicted of manslaughter, would have been released over that time.
What is the problem, and who is it effecting?.
I asked my bro jo, his girl, Dad and Lou, how they would describe the situation between Dave and I : Answers: estranged; no relationship; it’s not where you (Rob) want it, obviously there is no relationship ……..
What is the problem, I asked
Answers included: I’m not sure what the problem is; you said something, didn’t you? You said something to his kids; You got in his face about his kids. Don’t know what the problem is.
Responses to further questions included: it would be nice if it were on better terms; I don’t like it; I would hope and pray it would work out. I can’t change it, try not to be upset about it; I would be excited- it would be nice for you to get back together.
Regarding its impact on my relationship with my niece and nephews, answers included: I am sure it’s negative.
What is clear is that it does have a negative impact on many, and each of these people would prefer it to be different.
As difficult to as it was for Dad to answer my questions, he did. I wonder what it is like for him, to have his sons engaged in such a way. Is he proud of each of us in this regard? What does he tell himself? Is he proud of himself, and any role plays and played in such a reality?
I am quite sure, in addition to everyone I spoke to about this, my niece, and two nephews and perhaps you KM would prefer it differently. Would you?
What was also overriding a in responses I received is: that I am barking up the wrong tree; its fruitless, you are torturing yourself; and it is what it is.
Well I won’t speculate, expect or attach to any kind of specific result here I am expressing myself, encouraging open dialog about human dynamics This, while putting out a good intention and good wedding wishes on the shared celebration of Thanksgiving.
Obviously, though, Dave’s vibe towards me is less than ideal. As you may now he has made it clear he wants no good will toward me.
So, I have two requests.
First: Please ask Dave to write out in concise and distilled way, what exactly is the problem. If he were to stick with the facts as they were: what I actually may have said, or what I may have actually did, as it is in his mind, then a) he could look at things, perhaps, more clearly, and see if in fact this no good will thing, or whatever it is should be continued
A principle of fairness is that people accused of something should know clearly what it is that they are being accused of? Wouldn’t you agree?
I would like to be able to succinctly and honestly say why it is my brother and I don’t talk.
What is it exactly that I did that warrants the position Dave holds towards me; and its resulting negative influences on various family members, no one more than me…..except for ,perhaps, the negative effect it has on Dave.
Please get in writing for me. Words can be very potent. I cant imaging it would take more than a half page or so to scribe what’s critical.
Writing down the allegations, what I have done, would be real good for everyone, especially Dave.
It would be a great wedding gift that Dave could give himself and you. To write something down about a high impact area of his life, and have a look at it. Even if it is only for moment.
And secondly, and far more fun than asking someone for something that you’re pretty sure they will be less than thrilled to comply with, is to engage in a little future fantasy with me.
While interviewing Brian, he relentlessly offered the cliché – It is what it is!
While absolutely true, a simple proves its limitations as well. For example, right now, I have a cup of coffee on the table beside me. Now, just now, I took a sip from the mug. So, in fact, the coffee mug has less in it than it did less than a minute ago. So, it still is what it is, but it is different than it was just moments ago. It is not what it was. It has a new is. And Now, again, in this time, it is what it is.
So the fantasy is that perhaps something can shift here. \
Hey, BTW, what do you think of the shared realtiy that you and dave were inovled in underwater danger and so was I only months ago. Yah, curisou about that, and the fact that dave and I were iin the hospital at the exact same time in 2004. Cool eh?
I invite you to consider this again, as a gift a great wedding gift, regardless of the outcome. Just the fact that you are reading this, and others, and I am writing this, has already brought more goodness in the mix.
Yah. All us boys, sometimes, would make fun of the weird old ways, the goofy ways that our older family members would sometimes behave. We could see, even if we could not articulate it, that it wasn’t good ….
Perhaps any catalytic quality this letter might have, I say use it to give yourself and Dave and a huge wedding present. To assist him in letting it go. Let go of the whatever.
Of course, I know we are in fantasy land here, but I will continue.
A wise mentor of ours, a founder of the Haven, has said, people are scared, and then they decide what to be scared about - in effect, they choose where to transmute their fear. And the same principle applies for anger - where do they point it. Where do I. Well, plenty places, people and occasions too many.
In the world of asshole behaviour, I have a list that while not peerless, is a worthy contender for many others., particularity in the world of being reactive, angry, Blamey, you know sitting on peoples’ last nerve.
I notice plenty of angry bastards in the environmental movement, for example. And a cross check might look like: OMgoodness, how in reality could I have made my mother so mad, so often, especially before I was exercising much in the way of choice in the world. No, my mom had an ill temper at times, like everyone in her family. And she pointed it far too often, wa y past the boundary of personal responsibly. With negative effects. She heavily flavoured the emotional tone, especially under stress.
Yah, I heard this counsellor say, : to learn to express negative feelings in a responsible way…..our blood line carries heavy flaws. So yah, why not bride to be, see if he wishes to move on. I promise you that you’d benefit.
It is thanksgiving after all. And your wedding. Which should be a celebration of love. Not, additionally, some kind of celebration of the Love of Grudge.
Yah the fantasy is he lets go of it. And everyone around feels a little tension lift. A little bit more respect enters the circle. Little more consciousness, little more Wisdom and - compassion has more room to work its magic. Yah that would be remarkable. Who would not love that? Who would not think that is great?
Just the end of hostilities, as they say in war……would be great. Many positives would ensue….
The fantasy could expand, and Dave could email me and go dude, let’s get back to the kind of fun loving nurturing relationships that we had for decades..
Lets respect our name more, more honour, more truth…..
Yah, Rob, I am sorry I had my head up my ass for so long. Not wanting good will, what the fuck was I thinking? I love you. I’m the bigger asshole. So sorry, ooops.
And he’s so excited with his re-found joy, that he goes on to invite me to his wedding. Last time I was groom guy!
And then, in this fantasy, I would respond: oh Dave, no no, I was the bigger asshole, come on, I should have been more sensitive to our deep fears that were being stimulated. More sensitive and aware of each of our needs, abilities and limitations. Me, mia culpa. Me I Should have been doing a better job of keeping the critical link of love between us. And all those boundaries I crossed. Fucccckkkk, I’m sorry buddy. Like you, just doing my best. Hey I hope you are still enjoying the fact I love Elena, I love Kyle, I love Jessica, I love Ryan, my godson. ….and thanks so much for the invite, perhaps we can all get together soon, maybe Jess’s graduation, but I am soooooooo sorrrrry, I can’t make the wedding, but may it go great..
And, while I know that dad, and lou and the kids would all have more fun and joy if I was there, and extra joy cause the log jam has been broken, But I have to work this weekend, you know, I have made a lot of curious career choices, and, well, I have to earn dough. So, thanks again, give my love to everyone.
Then I would be thinking, I am so glad that the cold war is over, that he and I were released from some the horrible lock of understandable stupidity. The lock those toxic pathways have on each individual in different ways. Then we set out to do the work being more responsible an respectful and the very hard work of building new brain pathways to overlay good or neutral thoughts on top of that old, shitty low road that is not needed anymore.
Yah, and isn’t better over here?
Pretty good fantasy, eh?
We’ll see.
Anyways, KM, there is my writing for the day. It is unclear what kind of relationship is possible and will be chosen between you and your new west coast good-guy bro in law.
Know I enjoyed you at the Haven, and I was thrilled to often hear the steady kindness in my brother’s voice when he spoke to you Wonderful, as he likes to say.
Best to your new sister in law
Love Rob
I
Hey happy September! Happy Thanksgiving! And Wow, you must be super excited about your wedding day this Saturday. First one I think for you. Me, have not walked down that aisle. Perhaps some day.
This Monday, I am hosting a bird at my place and I promise you KM, we will raise a glass in your honour. – Thanksgiving Monday.
This letter is a gift – of good will, of communication, of honesty and love. It is Good. Please accept it as such.
Welcome to the family KM. Again, may you have a successful marriage to my brother. May the rest of your lives be filled with increasing love, harmony and respect.
I left you a nervous message on your phone yesterday. As you gathered the writings I sent you yesterday, I am doing some writing, and this letter in particular is directed for you.
As you know, I can’t make it to the wedding this weekend, so I thought I would pen this diatribe in my absence.
I love my family. All the characters in my family, now yours, are filled with passion, conviction, smarts and various quirks.
No one is that more true for than my Mom. I’m not sure you had the opportunity to know her before she passed on, into what she would have hoped was heaven. I have it from good sources that she is in a very good place
Mother Mary was a spirited woman, to be sure. Gregarious, boisterous, playful and more. She had a wonderful voice – and sang with gusto. She also liked to be special, like all of us I suppose. In my youth, I would often find myself in a prolonged contraction while various hymns were being sung in church. It seemed my dear mother, thru a malfunctioning internal metronome, or spiritual ambition, or something, was often a half a measure a head of the rest of the congregation . This seemed especially true at the beginning of the song, perhaps dreams of being the director. That was Mamma. A similar drive fuels a bit of my desire to write you this kind note, to be noticed – to participate.
Fond of teaching, or perhaps instructing might be more accurate, she had a stable of phrases and commands that aided the effort. The range and use was varied and sometimes very helpful, to the bizzare and not so helpful. Take care of your teeth; tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are. Or BA, is bugger all to help prepare the palette.
I loved how much my mom liked to giggle. She loved to play. And food OMG. This is one area she definitely engaged fully. I have fond memories of Chocolate Malts downstairs at the Bay, in Saskatoon. And witnessed many times her externalized internal debates on whether or not to have that chocolate bar. The answer was nearly always yes. Mars bars, I would have to say were here favourite.
She liked to laugh, and stir it up too. Seems to have rubbed off on brother joe. And, she, like so many of us - my family in particular, was not so good in regards to this letting go thing. Perhaps it is the intensity that was so intoxicating…so compelling. Whatever position she had on something, seldom was it anything but absolute. She, intoning far above her pay scale, the doctrine of infallibility that pope relies on , a bit too often a casual observer might think.
Speaking of the pope, I toured the incredible museums under the guardianship of the Catholic Church, in his new home town Rome. I loved the story the guide told of one pope who lived long ago.
Apparently that was when blood lines played more of a role than money, and power. Anyways, he was like 29 or something, and fornicating somebody’s wife (weren’t the 10 commandments a big seller by then?) Anyways, the husband was you know, not so thrilled. And as you know men, they can get REAL territorial around what they perceive as their property, or claim, or responsibility. In this case, I think the bloke who’s wife was shagging the pope, said, I’m gonna kill that fucker, and did. Apparently he grabbed him and threw him out the window. Sadly for that particular pope, the mattress ( presumably) of his indiscretion was not on the ground level, or as we like to call them here in town - not on the garden level. Anyways, they needed a new pope.
But, back to mom – and as one last parting comment, I will say the church did influence my mother and our family, and many others, in significant ways.
OK, we were talking about the plethora of mother marries expressions, which are a fast track way of learning about someone, as repetition reinforces. One particular pain filled affirmation was telling. On more than one occasion, to try to manage her hurt, through masking and blunting, she continued to ride and fuel that toxic rocket of resentment, to an unwise degree - she wouldn’t let go. She drank that elixir of destructive blame, over and over again, with countless shitty thoughts all creating deeper and more complex pathways strengthen the loop. This process and result can be encapsulated brilliantly with her words, …..I’ll never forgive him….NEVER.
Oh Momma.
It’s reminiscent of brian joe and I repeating one of child hood get-backs, like secret handshakes at an age when we couldn’t quite talk back loudly, but could make faces and hissing noises behind backs. One of our mantras in response to confusing behaviours was – were NEVER getting marrieeeeeeed.
Yet, my mom continued to grow and learn and was engaged in bridge building right until the end of her life.
For that I am grateful and have tremendous respect for. Her last decade in particular, saw her make steady progress to contain, to make friends with and manager her dark side. She more and more minimized the negative effects of her shortcomings on others. She became more sensitive, and more vulnerable. And she was a relentless advocate for my well being and advancement. I totally miss her support and her true undying love.
She wrote dozens if not a hundred little cards of caring in those years. She was my most consistent ally. –She loved me, and all her sons, tremendously. Despite bombastic episodes, disowned pain, confusing boundaries et al, she is a deeply loving and wonderful woman. I am sure she is Peaceful.
Now Dad, you do know more of. What a great guy eh… When I think of the wild ride he has been on. When he was like 3, the Reichstag was burning, an ominous sign of what was to come. Talk about the makings of PTSD …the whole world at that time. Dad is a smart man – very resourceful and can, as you know, fix anything. I am often thankful the abilities I inherited. As my mom would say, a chip off the ol block.
And, no doubt you are the beneficiary of Dad’s love. Especially because like all of us in the family, we were desperate for more yin, more femininity to balance the onslaught of yangy testosterone in the family.
One of my most cherished memories of our Father, is when I was visiting Saskatoon a few years ago, and we drove out to an acreage inhabited by Dad’s stepdaughter. It was a day true to the slogan on his licence plate: Land of the Living Skies. As we pulled onto the property, a few hundred meters away from us stood two your girls, perhaps 9 and 12 - his granddaughters. As they recognized the van, they bolted across the prairie towards the focus of their love – my Father. It was amazing. Time slowed down as I watched these beautiful girls sprinting – their faces beaming, their eyes wild with excitement, roaring open hearted slamming right into my father. They smothered each as they expressed the net reality of their relationship - juicy, yummy, love. of their relationship.
It was so beautiful. I was so happy - happy to witness love like that. And with my Dad……..awesome.
Then there is my brother, your other new brother in law. He is a very interesting globalised character, would you not agree? Smart, savvy, funny and more….all in one package. I should send you this picture of him from about 40 years ago. He has his trademark during photo ops – a penny in his eye socket. A good clown he is.
I love my brother Brian very much. My brother the fiancé too, that matter. Brother Brian has done very well for himself. In effect, he could retire at 40, and in some ways did. Now, working on his own gig – doing every job under the sun, as an investor, a multiple property landlord, plumber, drywall, and as he incessently told me yesterday, a (complaint driven) dedicated mover and cleaner.
I love my brother, and he, like me, can be difficult. I interviewed him the other day, along with Dad and Lou, and was a bit saddened to hear him say that he didn’t think he had any real relationship with his niece and nephews. I found that sad. Perhaps that will grow. Me, l thinks the continuity, diversity and homogeneity of family to be important. Blood is thicker than water my mom would say. I say they do have some relationship, it is just likely not highly impactful as perhaps someone might like. At all events those 4 will be at your wedding so it is a great opportunity for them to spend some time. Brian, like me, likes to party, so he will shine at your gig. Next week, at the latest, I will send some pics.
Anyways, it’s often fun to hang with Brian, ‘cause he can be such a card. I hope you enjoy him this weekend.
And me, well, you got some sense of me when we accidently attended the same course at Haven Institute a few years back. We seemed to enjoy each other, wouldn’t you say? And it was ok at the ol mans 80th eh? Speaking of which, I ask dad every so often, ever think about dying? My couselller says that kind of opening is called making a bid, in certain circles. Anyways, he always answers rather quickly WHAT FOR. While he answers in such a way it is not really a question. But if I was to answer , I would surmise it like this: so you die well fine father, to die well. Few things don’t benefit from some planning. Anyways, I would be cusious of your thoughts on this question, since you are in health care.
And Me? Gosh, to accurately describe oneself. What context. What’s important now. How honest do I want to be. What’s’ my agenda? So many things to consider. . . .
On the plus side: I see myself overall as a good hearted man, who is interested, and is finding his way on his meandering roads of career, relationships, spirituality and citizenship.
On the negative side, I can be quite intense, sometimes uncover and sit on people’s last nerve. A shadow worker some say, whatever that is. And, like everyone in my immediate family, boundary issues require on-going attentiveness for the best results. How would you describe me?
So KM, as I indicated earlier, I can’t make your wedding, and I think one of the main reasons is because I was not invited. I think most people would have some curiosity about that, as do I.
As you know, there is some kind of issue between your fiancé, my brother, and me. And, while it’s perhaps not so fun to look at, shining a little light on things seldom does not produce any nourishment. So, I will raise the issue briefly here on these pages.
My intention: expression, and more goodness.
It has been probably over 10 years since Dave and I have had more care free times – times when the respect and good will were present. 1o yeas: Murderers, convicted of manslaughter, would have been released over that time.
What is the problem, and who is it effecting?.
I asked my bro jo, his girl, Dad and Lou, how they would describe the situation between Dave and I : Answers: estranged; no relationship; it’s not where you (Rob) want it, obviously there is no relationship ……..
What is the problem, I asked
Answers included: I’m not sure what the problem is; you said something, didn’t you? You said something to his kids; You got in his face about his kids. Don’t know what the problem is.
Responses to further questions included: it would be nice if it were on better terms; I don’t like it; I would hope and pray it would work out. I can’t change it, try not to be upset about it; I would be excited- it would be nice for you to get back together.
Regarding its impact on my relationship with my niece and nephews, answers included: I am sure it’s negative.
What is clear is that it does have a negative impact on many, and each of these people would prefer it to be different.
As difficult to as it was for Dad to answer my questions, he did. I wonder what it is like for him, to have his sons engaged in such a way. Is he proud of each of us in this regard? What does he tell himself? Is he proud of himself, and any role plays and played in such a reality?
I am quite sure, in addition to everyone I spoke to about this, my niece, and two nephews and perhaps you KM would prefer it differently. Would you?
What was also overriding a in responses I received is: that I am barking up the wrong tree; its fruitless, you are torturing yourself; and it is what it is.
Well I won’t speculate, expect or attach to any kind of specific result here I am expressing myself, encouraging open dialog about human dynamics This, while putting out a good intention and good wedding wishes on the shared celebration of Thanksgiving.
Obviously, though, Dave’s vibe towards me is less than ideal. As you may now he has made it clear he wants no good will toward me.
So, I have two requests.
First: Please ask Dave to write out in concise and distilled way, what exactly is the problem. If he were to stick with the facts as they were: what I actually may have said, or what I may have actually did, as it is in his mind, then a) he could look at things, perhaps, more clearly, and see if in fact this no good will thing, or whatever it is should be continued
A principle of fairness is that people accused of something should know clearly what it is that they are being accused of? Wouldn’t you agree?
I would like to be able to succinctly and honestly say why it is my brother and I don’t talk.
What is it exactly that I did that warrants the position Dave holds towards me; and its resulting negative influences on various family members, no one more than me…..except for ,perhaps, the negative effect it has on Dave.
Please get in writing for me. Words can be very potent. I cant imaging it would take more than a half page or so to scribe what’s critical.
Writing down the allegations, what I have done, would be real good for everyone, especially Dave.
It would be a great wedding gift that Dave could give himself and you. To write something down about a high impact area of his life, and have a look at it. Even if it is only for moment.
And secondly, and far more fun than asking someone for something that you’re pretty sure they will be less than thrilled to comply with, is to engage in a little future fantasy with me.
While interviewing Brian, he relentlessly offered the cliché – It is what it is!
While absolutely true, a simple proves its limitations as well. For example, right now, I have a cup of coffee on the table beside me. Now, just now, I took a sip from the mug. So, in fact, the coffee mug has less in it than it did less than a minute ago. So, it still is what it is, but it is different than it was just moments ago. It is not what it was. It has a new is. And Now, again, in this time, it is what it is.
So the fantasy is that perhaps something can shift here. \
Hey, BTW, what do you think of the shared realtiy that you and dave were inovled in underwater danger and so was I only months ago. Yah, curisou about that, and the fact that dave and I were iin the hospital at the exact same time in 2004. Cool eh?
I invite you to consider this again, as a gift a great wedding gift, regardless of the outcome. Just the fact that you are reading this, and others, and I am writing this, has already brought more goodness in the mix.
Yah. All us boys, sometimes, would make fun of the weird old ways, the goofy ways that our older family members would sometimes behave. We could see, even if we could not articulate it, that it wasn’t good ….
Perhaps any catalytic quality this letter might have, I say use it to give yourself and Dave and a huge wedding present. To assist him in letting it go. Let go of the whatever.
Of course, I know we are in fantasy land here, but I will continue.
A wise mentor of ours, a founder of the Haven, has said, people are scared, and then they decide what to be scared about - in effect, they choose where to transmute their fear. And the same principle applies for anger - where do they point it. Where do I. Well, plenty places, people and occasions too many.
In the world of asshole behaviour, I have a list that while not peerless, is a worthy contender for many others., particularity in the world of being reactive, angry, Blamey, you know sitting on peoples’ last nerve.
I notice plenty of angry bastards in the environmental movement, for example. And a cross check might look like: OMgoodness, how in reality could I have made my mother so mad, so often, especially before I was exercising much in the way of choice in the world. No, my mom had an ill temper at times, like everyone in her family. And she pointed it far too often, wa y past the boundary of personal responsibly. With negative effects. She heavily flavoured the emotional tone, especially under stress.
Yah, I heard this counsellor say, : to learn to express negative feelings in a responsible way…..our blood line carries heavy flaws. So yah, why not bride to be, see if he wishes to move on. I promise you that you’d benefit.
It is thanksgiving after all. And your wedding. Which should be a celebration of love. Not, additionally, some kind of celebration of the Love of Grudge.
Yah the fantasy is he lets go of it. And everyone around feels a little tension lift. A little bit more respect enters the circle. Little more consciousness, little more Wisdom and - compassion has more room to work its magic. Yah that would be remarkable. Who would not love that? Who would not think that is great?
Just the end of hostilities, as they say in war……would be great. Many positives would ensue….
The fantasy could expand, and Dave could email me and go dude, let’s get back to the kind of fun loving nurturing relationships that we had for decades..
Lets respect our name more, more honour, more truth…..
Yah, Rob, I am sorry I had my head up my ass for so long. Not wanting good will, what the fuck was I thinking? I love you. I’m the bigger asshole. So sorry, ooops.
And he’s so excited with his re-found joy, that he goes on to invite me to his wedding. Last time I was groom guy!
And then, in this fantasy, I would respond: oh Dave, no no, I was the bigger asshole, come on, I should have been more sensitive to our deep fears that were being stimulated. More sensitive and aware of each of our needs, abilities and limitations. Me, mia culpa. Me I Should have been doing a better job of keeping the critical link of love between us. And all those boundaries I crossed. Fucccckkkk, I’m sorry buddy. Like you, just doing my best. Hey I hope you are still enjoying the fact I love Elena, I love Kyle, I love Jessica, I love Ryan, my godson. ….and thanks so much for the invite, perhaps we can all get together soon, maybe Jess’s graduation, but I am soooooooo sorrrrry, I can’t make the wedding, but may it go great..
And, while I know that dad, and lou and the kids would all have more fun and joy if I was there, and extra joy cause the log jam has been broken, But I have to work this weekend, you know, I have made a lot of curious career choices, and, well, I have to earn dough. So, thanks again, give my love to everyone.
Then I would be thinking, I am so glad that the cold war is over, that he and I were released from some the horrible lock of understandable stupidity. The lock those toxic pathways have on each individual in different ways. Then we set out to do the work being more responsible an respectful and the very hard work of building new brain pathways to overlay good or neutral thoughts on top of that old, shitty low road that is not needed anymore.
Yah, and isn’t better over here?
Pretty good fantasy, eh?
We’ll see.
Anyways, KM, there is my writing for the day. It is unclear what kind of relationship is possible and will be chosen between you and your new west coast good-guy bro in law.
Know I enjoyed you at the Haven, and I was thrilled to often hear the steady kindness in my brother’s voice when he spoke to you Wonderful, as he likes to say.
Best to your new sister in law
Love Rob
I
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